11/18/09

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We all have issues...whether it be financial, relationships or the death of someone we love. We muddle through day by day and somehow make our way. I am no exception. I have always chosen to keep this blog light & not burden you with my 'stuff.'  I shy away from hot topics and muse about simple things...like New England and the best callus remover. 
For years one of my issues has been infertility.  It has been emotional, all consuming, painful and down right impossible to bear at times.  I have been hopeful, scared and angry.  I have withdrawn, screamed and cursed.  I have been in denial and made bargains. I slowly experienced every one of Kubler-Ross' grief stages.  Thankfully, acceptance also came. With acceptance and the healing passage of time, I feel that now I can share this with you.

This is my testimony written December 9th, 2008 (almost one year ago) for my bible study class:
     I adore babies. I was 5 years old when I got my first of two baby sisters. When I was a young girl I remember loving on my cousins and asking permission to hold any new baby that visited our church. When I was old enough, I started babysitting. In nursing school I worked on the postpartum unit helping new mothers with their new babies. The newborn nursery was so much fun ~ giving first baths, making footprints, everyone so excited about new life. During my time in the newborn nursery is when I discovered who/what I wanted to be when I ‘grew’ up…I dreamed of someday becoming a Neonatal Intensive Care nurse. The goal was set: destination NICU. After graduating from nursing school I worked for the required one year with adult patients (babies, only bigger) before I could transfer into the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Once I arrived in the NICU I knew I had found my place, my niche, I was happy and fulfilled. Content.
     My first marriage, to my high school sweetheart, ended in divorce after I discovered an affair. We had tried for a baby, but according to God’s plan a baby was not to be… I was grateful to leave the marriage with a clean break and felt blessed that no children were involved. After the divorce, I spent time seeking God. I only really spent time with God when I was hurting, in trouble or desperate. My seeking was short lived and the minute I felt better I stopped walking with God and set out on my own.
     I moved from Iowa to Dallas for a fresh start and a new opportunity. I accepted an 18 month nursing contract, planned to do my contract, enjoy the big city and return home. God had other plans for me! I met and married my husband, Brian. The living was good and life was easy. I went off birth control in February of 2003 – I was excited to have our baby, excited to start our family, I wasn’t getting younger, you know! The years passed… no baby. I received much advice from well meaning friends and family suggesting we take a vacation, get drunk, do head stands and my personal favorite… just relax! When those bright ideas failed, I changed doctors, had surgery, took fertility drugs, and cried - a lot. I was sad. I wanted a baby so badly my soul hurt.
     Because of the hurt, I started collecting offenses. I found a way to be offended by almost everything and everyone. I was quickly gathering stones and my heart hardened. My spiritual fruits were gone. I was mad at God. I started feeling physically ill when I had to go to work. I could barely stand to hear new parents coo at their infants. I compared myself to them and couldn’t understand why they got a “gift from God” and I had no gifts. I was isolating myself, I was miserable and spiraling out of control. The devil took a foothold and was attempting to destroy my relationships. The straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back: my sisters both delivered babies- one in June, one in July.
     I am learning that God works in wonderfully mysterious ways. I believe that at my lowest point this summer, God set in motion a chain of people and events to save me. Kathy, the NICU social worker who looked me straight in the eye and said “Michelle, you need counseling.” The Christian based counselor, Rosanne, who broke down my anger and started laying the foundation of spiritual truths. Rosanne suggested a bible study, which lead me to The Stones of the Heart ministries. I am not in this class by accident. God wanted me here.
     The first several weeks of class were difficult and extremely emotional. After class I couldn’t wait to get in the car so that I could cry my way home…that was God again, softening my heart. --- I will give you a new HEART and put a new SPIRIT in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. {Ezekiel 36:26}
This class changed me. I will never walk alone again. I have forgiven and reconciled.

Slowly, bad fruits are being replaced by spiritual fruits. I am no longer angry with God. I have a peace in my heart.
     I may never have one baby of my own -but God has given me a nursery of babies and nieces and nephews to love and for that I am blessed.
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The spirit of Thanksgiving - a time to reflect and be thankful.
To realize that you are stronger now than a year ago, two, ten.
Like clay, slowly being molded, I am thankful that my experiences are shaping me, just as God intended...

11 comments:

Betsy said...

Hugs...

TJ said...

Oh, I think that is wonderfully written. Thanks for sharing.

I do believe God has a greater purpose in everything, no matter how hard it is for us to personally bear.

Love you!

Anonymous said...

One word....WOW!! That was incredible!! I love you so much BFF of 30+ yrs!! I adore you!
*hugs*
cjb

Lizzy said...

Big Hugs!!!

Alison said...

There are no words for this post, Michelle. All I can say is, I love you. Truly, you are one of the most genuine and kind people I have been blessed to know in my little life. Thank you for sharing.

XXOO
AliB

The Talk Times said...

You are a strong and courageous woman...be very proud of yourself! I love you and your nieces and nephews love you!

ragray said...

Praise the Lord! God is good.
You have so many blessings to
be thankful for-talents, a giving
heart and a great nurse. I'm so
glad He gave you to me! Love you.

Andrea.Legreid said...

Ok, now you have me crying at work. But thank you for sharing! You wrote it so well. I love you!

Anonymous said...

Andrea clued me in. Beautifully written and inspirational. You have so much to offer to others with your knowledge and loving spirit.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful.
Jenn

Free Spirit said...

Thank you so much for sharing, Michelle. Very inspirational and wonderfully written! Stay strong!